Sunday, February 8, 2009


Lately, I've been in a completely crummy mood which I just can not seem to shake off. Truth is that the memories of The Boy haunt me. Although he has been gone from my life for so long now, his ghost is still here... and it haunts me. It visits every so often. Just when I think that I've moved past it, that it's just another detail to my life, it makes a return. Although I've made plenty of changes in the past 13 months to push life forward, I still wear my emotions on my sleeve when it comes to Him. Prior to meeting Him, I'd been told that first love was very hard to forget. It all sounded like a cliche back then. I can understand this cliche quite well now though.  What I don't understand and struggle with is the issue of living with those memories. Three years of beautiful life are hard to ignore, hard to forget.. hard to live with, so difficult to bury and be nonchalant about.  Those memories are a constant reminder of just how great I had it with Him. Now, those memories just serve as a reminder of how unappreciative I was of those moments. It's a constant guilt trip.  

Since the beginning of this year, I've gone into ninja mode to fix these details to my life. Rekindling broken relationships with those few special individuals that have left a deep mark in my life, especially the relationships that ended in utter confusion, is emotionally draining. Fixing a broken anything is much easier than fixing the misunderstandings with a loved one.  

All of this rain isn't helping. Usually, I tend to enjoy the sound of the rain against the window pane, but right now it's just adding to my frustrations.