Crummy

Lately, I've been in a completely crummy mood which I just can not seem to shake off. Truth is that the memories of The Boy haunt me. Although he has been gone from my life for so long now, his ghost is still here... and it haunts me. It visits every so often. Just when I think that I've moved past it, that it's just another detail to my life, it makes a return. Although I've made plenty of changes in the past 13 months to push life forward, I still wear my emotions on my sleeve when it comes to Him. Prior to meeting Him, I'd been told that first love was very hard to forget. It all sounded like a cliche back then. I can understand this cliche quite well now though.  What I don't understand and struggle with is the issue of living with those memories. Three years of beautiful life are hard to ignore, hard to forget.. hard to live with, so difficult to bury and be nonchalant about.  Those memories are a constant reminder of just how great I had it with Him. Now, those memories just serve as a reminder of how unappreciative I was of those moments. It's a constant guilt trip.  

Since the beginning of this year, I've gone into ninja mode to fix these details to my life. Rekindling broken relationships with those few special individuals that have left a deep mark in my life, especially the relationships that ended in utter confusion, is emotionally draining. Fixing a broken anything is much easier than fixing the misunderstandings with a loved one.  

All of this rain isn't helping. Usually, I tend to enjoy the sound of the rain against the window pane, but right now it's just adding to my frustrations. 

Eeekk!

Studying during the holidays is a joke. Seriously, how is anyone suppose to focus on lecture notes and exam material during this time of the year? Really, people like myself wait all year for winter break. The last thing I need to worry about are assignments and studying for the exam that takes place the day I return to class. Blah. Right now, Anatomy is the last thing on my mind. But it's gotta be done. In order for me to succeed in this field, I need to treat nursing as more than a career path, more than a profession. I'm going to have to make it a lifestyle. Yes, I shall breathe, eat, and snore all things related to nursing.

End rant.

***

I'm working on my current state of mind, which is going through a real rough time. Winter blues perhaps? I'm aiming to clear out the clutter in my head and to start off the new year like the Energizer Bunny. Old wounds heal slowly, very.. very.. slowly. But they do heal. The physical ailments appear to be easier to deal with. The emotional, however, take time. The wound heals, but it leaves a nasty scar. A scar that is a constant reminder of what we've endured. A reminder for us on the days when we forget just how strong we are. 

I'm still learning, I'm still growing. I just wish some scars were easier to live with. 

Wishing

It's Christmas Eve and I'm sitting in my bed. My brain has reminded me of a conversation I had a few days ago. A friend in Anatomy class asked if I had made a wish this holiday season. I finished that conversation with a half-hearted reply of "It's complicated" and joked about how the wish should be materialistic and self-centered. I was smiling, but inside I could feel the pangs of loss. My thoughts were hundreds of miles away, focused on The Boy. He's the missing half of my soul, my best-friend, and is no longer a part of my life. I'm old enough to understand the concept of Santa Clause is for the amusement of young children. Although right now I wish there were a Santa. Because I have a wish I'd like granted. It is a bit selfish, self-centered even. But it comes from deep inside this aching heart. This holiday season, I want nothing more than my faith in love to be restored. Call it a wish, or a prayer, but the fundamentals of it are simple. So Santa, it would be great if this year you could please leave me a bag of hope.

And so it begins...

After spending the past 4 years of my life studying Political Science at a university here in So. California, I've recently enrolled into an accelerated program for the B.S. in nursing. Now, I can say that I am a nursing student. Class began a few weeks ago and already I can feel the tension set in. This is a new venture for me, a very scary new venture. This past year of my life can best be described with the word roller-coaster. I've had to make a few, yet very difficult changes. Starting nursing school was the easy part. Making it to Graduation Day will be the challenge. I hope that this blog will be an online diary for me, a place for me to detail the stories, and the struggles I face on this new path. 

I hope my posts here will be an inspiration to both myself, and to anyone else that may choose to read this. 

* I've spent the past few days playing with the layout design. I'm still not sure if I'm satisfied with the layout, or the colors. To be honest, I suppose it's not the layout design that I'm being jiffy about, but it has more to do with the creation of this blog itself. 

This is my first weblog. And this is the very first post. I'm still learning about this online world of weblogs. Go easy on me, I'll get the hang of this soon enough. I hope to leave a heavier mark the next time I post.