Monday, July 13, 2009

Buck up, Cowboy

The last time I posted here was over 4 months ago.

I'm trying desperately to come up with a reason as to why I haven't blogged in months, but honestly, all I have are excuses. I had decided to create this blog for the sole purpose of allowing myself a platform to express myself, a space for me to type out the roller coaster of emotions that consume me on a day to day basis. I have a very long list of excuses as to why I've neglected writing. I think that I'm just burnt out. Yes, I am bummed out. Although work and classes have kept me busy, I have had plenty of time to type out a few lines for a blog post. But no, I haven't done so because everything which comes out of this chaotic mind lately has been pure gibberish. Believe me, no one wants to read nonsensical rants about life, love, career and the family. Heck, I created this blog, therefore I should be able to rant and bitch as much as I like. I avoid doing this because having the words on the computer screen just makes the drama that much more real. I'm in denial about the crisis my life seems to be going through. No, I shouldn't use the word 'crisis' because it would be oh so over dramatic of me. There are plenty of bloggers/readers facing extreme hardships because of this bitch American economy. I'm not the only one in this boat called Life, a boat which seems to be facing some tough currents. I'm fortunate to have a loving family, a decent enough job, and the access to earning a better future.

I'm burnt out because I'm working a minimum wage job, which I am very fortunate to have, but it just makes me feel utterly crappy. I am worth more than just $8 an hour. My ego feels kicked, punched and slapped every time I step into the workplace. I love earning the paycheck, but I'd love to be more financially independent because I know I am capable of earning much more.
I'm waist deep in student loan debt. I have anxiety attacks when I think about the additional $115,000 I am paying to earn my B.S. in Nursing. Let's add the interest all of these loans will accrue over my working years and I guarantee this will be the cause of my first heart attack at the age of 40. Talking about getting older, I'm months away from turning 25. This is another issue on my list. I'm becoming an old maid, my love life is miserable because The Boy I love is great at complicating matters of the heart.

My engine just seems to be very short on steam. I've been putting off visiting a doctor for several months because I am uninsured. Shopping around for health insurance with my student budget, and a preexisting health condition, is no joy ride. Maybe the crisis that needs to be discussed in this post is not my life, but the American health care system. I'm unsure of whether I should enjoy the thought of one day living a lush lifestyle from working in the medical field because I'm quite aware of the business modern medicine has become.

My faith is flickering. I need sunshine and bright days. As a spiritualist I seek inspiration from the small things in life, but lately, my spirit seems to have become a punching bag for my chaotic mind. The negativity that surrounds me just reeks of poo. This is another reason why I avoid posting on here. I don't want the negativity invading this little internet corner of mine and spoiling it rotten.

1 comment:

  1. Great blog!! Hang in there!!!! Hope everything turns out well!!